Not Child’s Play: The Unwilling Victims of Domestic Violence

By Germaine Z. English, Founder and CEO of Discernment Journey Ministries, Inc.

WARNING: This article includes descriptions of events that can be triggering for those who are survivors of Domestic Violence trauma. 

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While conducting a seminar on Domestic Violence and the Violence Against Women Act, a participant said something that hit me like a ton of bricks. This incredibly accomplished woman with worldwide credentials stated that she knew it was time to leave when she overheard one of her boys ask the other one the following question:

“I wonder what he beat her with this time?”

The room was very still and quiet while she spoke. We were at the part of the presentation where input is welcomed by the audience. This was not the first time the room was unmistakenly quiet in response to a comment. There had already been lots of tears, hugs and empty boxes of Kleenex.

This time the silence was different. Up to this point, everyone who stunned the room into silence had done so by sharing a story or a moment that was only about their individual experience. We covered several topics including:

• Shame of being a victim;

• The taxing chore of hiding events so no one knows;

• The world’s perception of the look of a survivor of Domestic Violence versus what we really look like; and

• How each one of us found what we needed to leave the relationship.

  
  

What made her comments so powerful was she was the first person to bravely talk about the effects of Domestic Violence on her children. Afterwards, during the debriefing, I asked her why she told her story. She made a very simple statement. She wanted the room to know the effect of Domestic Violence beyond herself.

She told me about an event from her childhood that had a profound effect upon her life. When she was a young girl, she and her older sister heard the neighbors from 2 doors down fighting. Being curious girls, they snuck down the street to see what was going on. When they arrived at the partial open door of the neighbors, they witness the father picking up a baby and throwing that baby against the wall as he made a comment about how the mother will obey him.

She told me that she knew that she had to do something to change her environment, not only for herself but for her children as well. She knew that the violence would change her children’s lives because she had experienced it herself. Creating a different outcome for her children was the driving force behind saving herself.

We See You (Trick or Treat)

A couple of years ago, I attended a mini-family reunion event with cousins, nieces, nephews, one of my Aunts and one of my sisters. During a very spirited game of cards, I started talking about events from our last official family reunion in 1976. The room looked at me like I was an outsider with insider information. Finally, one of my cousins said, “I’m older than you and was there and I don’t remember that. How do you remember what happened?” I replied, “As a child, I always sat quietly in spaces so I could listen in and absorb what was happening.”

Children see everything; the good and the bad. This woman’s brave comment shined a light on that fact. Up to this point, she believed that she had successfully shielded her children from the violence that occurred behind closed doors. Her son’s comments not only told her that they knew. His comment screamed that the children had known for a while. Why else would he ask what he beat her with THIS TIME.

Where You Go, I Go

When I first took on this venture, I would have women at church approach me with clothing donations. I would graciously accept, which sometimes meant doing a road trip around the county with multiple glasses of water (offered at every stop). I would love to tell you that I planned these pick-ups but that would not be true. An amazing woman and friend, very much my senior, completely bought into the mission of Discernment Journey Ministries. We would talk and laugh over both being midwestern girls from St. Louis, Missouri. So, when she called and said, “get your car keys” I would come running with a full tank of gas.

During one of our donation pick-ups, we went to the house of a woman I already knew. She and her partner normally sat a couple of rows ahead of me in church for years. Her “life partner”, an amazing man who was kind and generous, was there. I always referred to him as her husband even when they informed me, they could not get married due to complications related to Medicare and retirement. As I sat there on my 3^rd glass of water (yes this was our 3^rd stop of the day), I explained what we do at Discernment Journey Ministries and why we do it.

That was when her husband told me a story with tears in his eyes. He said softly that his mother was a survivor of Domestic Violence. What was startling was that he did know until he had gotten older. He told me how his mother would leave his father and he and his siblings would end up in foster care. The children would somehow manage to stay together as a group until his mother could come to get them.

She would often return to the home of her abusive husband, and the cycle would repeat itself. It wasn’t until he was a grown man that he realized he kept going into foster care because the shelter would not accept children. He hugged me at the end of the story and said do what you can to keep families together.

I didn’t have to ask if being separated repeatedly from his mother had caused him pain. His pain had entered the living room while he told us his story. His pain took up all the space in the room. I could tell from the look on his wife’s face that she had not heard this story before.

That was the moment that Bev’s House: A Place to Call Home became a truly untraditional transitional family housing shelter for survivors of Domestic Violence.

What does that mean?

For us the answer to that question is a simple one. If we need to take in your five kids and one foster child to help a survivor to leave a dangerous relationship, that is what we will do. I am fortunate enough to have a leadership team who completely understands our mission and agrees with our goals.

We will be more than just a place where you can come and be safe. Bev’s House will be a place where healing begins. For us, healing can only begin when the survivor is safe and gains power and control over her life. That includes knowing that her children are safe.

Scars, the evidence of healing

Here is a random personal bit of information about me. I am a medical marvel. I am highly allergic to all forms of narcotics including anesthesia. With that being said, I have had five major surgeries, each one ending with a recovery with no pain medication except ibuprofen. This has resulted in me naming each one of my scars because they represent my healing through extraordinary circumstances.

As I began this transition into this role with Discernment Journey Ministries, I was blessed to have an unexpected call from a business colleague. When she inquired about the work I would be doing, she began to tell me her childhood story as the daughter of a survivor. Through our conversations, I discovered that she, regardless of her upbringing, is very happily married and has been so for the last 33 years.

She also spoke about how her relationship with her mother has grown and changed over the years. Especially since she stopped hiding the truth of her experiences growing up in a house of domestic violence. The twist about her upbringing is that her stepfather was very loving and caring towards her while being violent with her mother.

I once asked her the effect her upbringing had on her romantic relationships. Her response was unexpected. She stated that it made her realize exactly what she does not want in a relationship. She was very clear with her husband before marriage what she did not want and would not tolerate.

Ironically, she contributes the events of her childhood, in part, to the success of her marriage.

The Healing is a Process

Now to be frank and perfectly clear, in no way am I saying that all scars lead to successful healing. A broken arm that is not set properly will heal but may not work the way it should.

There is a 911 audio call that most Domestic Violence organizations use when training employees and volunteers. WARNING: Triggering events and language are contained in this recording. 

The recording is of a 6-year-old girl, named Lisa. She calls 911 during a violent fight between her stepfather and her mother. There are three children in the house including a 3-week-old baby. During the 10-minute recording, the call gets disconnected.

The first time I heard this recording at training, I was not sure that the room would recover when the call was disconnected. The crying and wailing of the training participants were visceral because the call is so violent. If you should choose to search and find the recording, do not stop at the disconnection of the call. The dispatcher does call back and the call continues. Only once have I experienced where a trainer ended the call at that moment and I believe it created trauma in the participants.

I debated whether to include the link to the audio of that 911 call for several weeks. After reading this update on Lisa, I decided not to include the audio. Instead, I wanted to include a link to an article. The article on adult Lisa was written post her infamous 911 call of September 21, 1991. (see the attached link: https://cdv.org/2012/09/lisas-story/)

Lisa and so many other children survive living in a domestic violence home. Some of these unwilling victims repeat the pattern they learned and become involved in a domestic violence relationship while some become the abusers. Others grow up to find a healthy loving relationship while others remain single for their lifetime.

Our goal here at Discernment Journey Ministries is to provide a safe space for the survivor and her children to heal.

That includes having a family transitional housing plan.  Providing trauma therapy for the survivor and her children. We believe in treating the entire family so that the cycle can be broken.

Now go back to the beginning of this article. The woman who overheard her sons talking. Her two sons have grown up to become wonderful men, brothers, fathers, and husbands. When she left that violent relationship, she broke a cycle that she herself had experienced. Here at Discernment Journey Ministries, we know that healing can happen and that is why we fight every day for our clients.

If you are living in or through or have survived Domestic Violence, there is nothing to be ashamed of. Help is available to you, and you can make it through the darkness. It doesn’t matter if you have been in this situation for 1 month or 7 years. I am living proof that you can make it into the light.

Contact your local shelter, 911 or your clergy. We are here to help and we are always working, 24/7. Trust me, my friends have gotten used to me walking away to take a call during dinner to assist a survivor.

If you would like to join Discernment Journey Ministries in this fight, there are ways to support our mission. Please visit our website at www.discernmentjourney.org, where we bring light into the darkness.

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Germaine Z. English is the Founder and CEO of Discernment Journey Ministries, Inc.

Discernment Journey Ministries is a non-profit organization whose mission is to: Empower and uplift women who are survivors of domestic violence, human and sex trafficking, and those transitioning from incarceration to freedom by providing a safe supportive space to heal, grow, and acquire life skills for independent living.

Ms. English started the organization as a survivor who volunteered for years with Domestic Violence shelters in Florida. Her goal is to change the way Domestic Violence shelters operate, and the scope of services provided to survivors. Ms. English is also a Florida Attorney with extensive knowledge of the Domestic Violence court system. She also possesses a master’s degree in business management, a bachelor’s degree in human resources, and years of experience working for large publicly traded and governmental organizations.