Stand By Me: The Danger of Domestic Violence

By Germaine Z. English, CEO and Founder of Discernment Journey Ministries, Inc.

Thank you for taking the time to read this article.

WARNING: This article includes descriptions of events that can be triggering for those who are survivors of Domestic Violence trauma.

 

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The night my relationship with my boyfriend turned physically violent was not just a dangerous night for me. It was a dangerous night for my downstairs neighbors. I wou

ld love to tell you that the walls in our apartment were soundproof but that would be a lie. Not to say that you could hear everything, but you could hear enough.

The evening started off as usual. I had made dinner, but he was not interested in what I had cooked. I found him sitting in his favorite reclining chair watching TV and not speaking to me. I don’t remember what I said as I tried to engage him in conversation, but it was not well received. The conversation quickly escalated, as they often did, and soon we were yelling at each other. 

Tonight, this argument was different. I didn’t slink away into the bedroom to cry or be ignored. I made a comment about our sex life, and he made a comment about me not being attractive and too fat.  That was the last straw for me. I went into the spare bedroom. I grabbed our copy of “The Joy of Sex” and came back into the living room. I said, “Well maybe you should read this if you need some help”.

That was the last thing I remember before he grabbed the book and hit me with it. He hit me with the book across my chest causing me to stumble back away from him. I put my arms up to catch my balance, and he dropped the book, made a fist, and hit me. And hit me. And hit me. And hit me.

I finally swung back at him and ran to the bathroom. He followed me. I wedged myself up against the door and he eventually pushed it open. I ducked down under his swing and ran to the bedroom. He followed me and wedged his foot in the door before I could get it shut. He swung at me through the opening in the doorway. I lost my footing again and stumbled back, landing onto the corner of the bed.

He walked towards me and bent down at the corner of the bed. As he reached under the bed, I wondered what he was doing. Then he pulled out his gun case, stared at me and walked back into the living room. I sat there in shock.

This was not the first time that a man had threatened me with a gun. However, it was the first time that I truly believed my life was in danger. I knew I had to get out of there or at least get him and the gun out of the apartment. I gathered myself and walked into the living room to find him sitting in that awful chair with his gun case on the coffee table. I said nothing. He said nothing. I sat down on the couch staring at the gun case.

He finally got up and went to the bathroom, and I knew this was my opportunity. Possibly, my only opportunity.

I grabbed the gun case, ran to the back balcony and threw it into the courtyard. When he came out of the bathroom, he immediately noticed it was missing and asked me where his gun was. I told him that I threw it out into the courtyard. He left to retrieve the gun, and I immediately locked and barricaded all the doors with furniture.

If only I had noticed that he had taken his keys with him.  When he returned, finding the doors locked, he used his key and pushed past the barricade. As I stood there barefooted, this was the first time that I realized there was glass all over the floor from a lamp being broken during the fight.

He looked at me and I looked at him as we stood there in the disaster that was now our living room. I finally said, “I’m leaving before one of us ends up in jail and the other one ends up in the morgue”. I grabbed my shoes, my purse, my keys and left.

Stand by or Stand Up: Within the Domestic Violence Circle

My downstairs neighbors had heard us fight before but never like this. When I finally returned to the apartment several days later, it was decided that my boyfriend would move out and I would stay. This final event marked the end of a seven-year domestic violence relationship. It wasn’t until months later that I wondered if our neighbors had heard the commotion and if they had been concerned for me.

It is not easy to stand up for someone when you see something wrong. It’s even more difficult when the situation involves domestic violence. Over the years, I have become friends with numerous Police Officers. Every single one of them has told me that answering a domestic dispute call is a very dangerous call. And thank you to the Officers who serve and protect us all. 

There are those who would say that my neighbors were bystanders who did not want to get involved. I would say that they were upstanders who learned how to safely get involved.

Bystander

There is a great article by Northwestern University about the difference between being a bystander versus an upstander as it pertains to bullying. (https://www.niu.edu/clas/psychology/_pdf/ppab/50441%20PPAB%20Upstander%20-%20Parents.pdf)

The article defines a bystander as:

“Someone who sees bullying happening but does not do anything to stop it.”

In the world of Domestic Violence, it is not that clean cut. Yes, a bystander may see what is happening or have knowledge of what is happening, but they may not be able to stop it. 

In a lot of cases, the bystander can be a child who could not stop one parent from harming another parent. Sometimes it is a family member who is paralyzed by their own trauma.

For example, around year four, my boyfriend and I took a trip to Memphis to attend his cousin’s wedding. I was excited about this trip, as I had stopped traveling in general and was isolated from my own family. At this point, his family was the only family I had.

We arrived at his aunt’s house, whom I had met several times. We were having a good time. Or so I thought. To this day, I still don’t know what I did to make him mad and in truth I probably did nothing.

We were all dressed and ready to leave for the wedding his aunt had so beautifully planned.  Next thing I knew, my boyfriend started berating me and calling me terrible names in front of his aunt, uncle, and cousins.

I sat on the couch, openly crying for several minutes. Finally, his aunt came over and sat next to me as I cried. She did not say anything to him or tell him to stop. His uncle left the room the minute I started crying and his cousins just stood there watching. I was humiliated. He finally stopped and his aunt calmly said to me “go clean your face so we can go”. And I did just that. I refreshed my makeup, put eye drops in to remove the redness and got into his car where we rode in complete silence. 

It wasn’t until I was in therapy, years later, that I realized the best his aunt could do was be a bystander. She couldn’t be an upstander for me the way I wanted in front of her husband or my boyfriend. It wasn’t safe for her.  

I agree with the Northwestern article as it pertains to bullying. However, when it comes to Domestic Violence, sometime being a bystander can de-escalate the situation and save everyone’s life.

Upstander

The article goes on to define an upstander in a bullying situation as:

“Someone who recognizes when something is wrong and does something to make it right. If an upstander sees or hears about bullying, he or she will do something.”

Being an upstander in a domestic violence situation can be a very dangerous thing to do. Years ago on a Thursday afternoon, when I was volunteering at the courthouse, I did an incredibly stupid thing. I chase a man who was kidnapping his child.

I was completing my observation hours as a DV advocate, when a man came into our office and grabbed a young child and ran for the door.

My colleagues jumped into action as the mother was screaming for her son. She was there waiting to see if the judge would grant her a protective order so she and her kids could go to our shelter. As we had a waiting room filled with terrified women, this commotion launched the room into chaos.

One of my colleagues immediately disappeared under the receptionist desk desperately trying to find the panic button. Another colleague ran past me to find a Sherriff Deputy to help. 

As for me, I chased the man out into the hallway.  Fortunately, another man who was in the waiting room with his 17-year old daughter also ran into the hallway. He pinned the kidnapper against the wall as I yelled over and over “Just give me the baby!”. After what felt like a couple of minutes, he finally released the child. I took the child and his mother, who had now collapsed on the hallway floor, into our office and waited for the Sherriff.

As I was leaving the office, I got a call from the Shelter’s Director. She told me she heard what had happened and asked for my version of events. I told her and her comment was “Germaine, don’t ever do that again. We have a panic button for a reason. You could have been hurt. And the mother could have been hurt.” I sheepishly said “Yea, I know. I wasn’t thinking”. I immediately left the courthouse and met friends for dinner. Where I was faced with the question of “How was your day?” How do you give an answer after an event like this one?

According to the article, my actions make me an upstander. However, my actions did not make me a safe or smart upstander.

Several months after my boyfriend moved out, a friend and I were in my living room putting together a cheap piece of furniture. You know the kind that requires a hammer and a Phillips screwdriver. As we were using some of the extra nails to secure the sides and back, there was a knock at my door.

When I opened the door, it was my downstairs neighbors. The wife was standing there looking very worried and her husband was standing by her side looking like her backup. She said in a very soft voice “We heard the banging and wanted to check on you. You know…after what happened last time”.

I smiled and swung the door open to reveal my female friend on the floor using a shoe as a hammer to nail the back panel on. I said “Oh no. Don’t worry. I’m fine. We were just putting together furniture.” You would have thought I had told them, ‘We won the lottery’. Both looked so relieved and went back to their apartment.

The courage it must have taken to come upstairs this time. I don’t know if they called the police the night my ex-boyfriend beat me (remember I left the apartment). It would explain his willingness to move out. And it would not have been the first time the police were called. I can say this; I am truly glad that they did not come upstairs as he was beating me. The man had a gun. They didn’t know that and I didn’t know what he would do with it. 

I believe they came upstairs this time for three reasons. One, they were worried about me. Two, they witnessed my boyfriend moving out. And three, they had only heard two women’s voices. It was safe for them to check on me. This is what made them such great upstanders in this case.

My Recommendation

(This is my opinion and not legal advice, said the lawyer)

The statistics for the state of Florida show more domestic violence than most states in the country. There have been years when the murder rate associated with domestic violence in Florida has been as high as 20% of all the murders in the state. This number does not differentiate between the survivor or a bystander as the victim of the violence. Domestic violence is dangerous for everyone.

How can you help?

First get help. Call 911 immediately. Now, I don’t mean, call the police because you hear your next-door neighbors having a fight. I mean call the police if you believe the fight is escalated, out of control, or you hear words or see actions of physical threats.

Second, keep a safe distance.  You may want to intervene if you feel that it will be safe, however, keep in mind you never know what someone will do or has on them, especially in today’s environment. I know it’s hard not to jump into action in these cases. Remember, I chased a kidnapper.

Here is what I learned from that past event. He could have harmed the mother, he could have harmed me, he could have harmed the innocent Dad who followed my lead and jumped in to help. And this is a big one, he could have harmed the child as revenge against the mother. If he had done that, I don’t know how I or the mother would have recovered from such an event.

So, what can you do? Stand by me by being an upstander who is a smart bystander for everyone’s safety.

If you are living in or through or have survived Domestic Violence, there is nothing to be ashamed of. Help is available to you, and you can make it through the darkness. It doesn’t matter if you have been in this situation for 1 month or 7 years. I am living proof that you can make it into the light.

Contact your local shelter, 911 or your clergy. We are here to help and we are always working, 24/7. Trust me, my friends have gotten used to me walking away to take a call during dinner to assist a survivor.

If you would like to join Discernment Journey Ministries in this fight, there are ways to support our mission. Please visit our website at www.discernmentjourney.org, where we bring light into the darkness.

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Germaine Z. English is the Founder and CEO of Discernment Journey Ministries, Inc.

Discernment Journey Ministries is a non-profit organization whose mission is to: Empower and uplift women who are survivors of domestic violence, human and sex trafficking, and those transitioning from incarceration to freedom by providing a safe supportive space to heal, grow, and acquire life skills for independent living.

Ms. English started the organization as a survivor who volunteered for years with Domestic Violence shelters in Florida. Her goal is to change the way Domestic Violence shelters operate, and the scope of services provided to survivors. Ms. English is also a Florida Attorney with extensive knowledge of the Domestic Violence court system. She also possesses a master’s degree in business management, a bachelor’s degree in human resources, and years of experience working for large publicly traded and governmental organizations.