When a Rose Isn’t a Rose: The Domestic Violence Bloom

By Germaine Z. English, Founder and CEO of Discernment Journey Ministries, Inc.

Valentine’s Day is coming and I am reminded of a time when my abusive ex gave me flowers. Not just flowers, he sent me roses. We had been together for about a year. At this point, he was ramping up the Domestic Violence part of our relationship. I have often had individuals ask me, “how did you become a victim of Domestic Violence?”. Well, I’m here to tell you that Domestic Violence does not care about your education, status, gender, age, or location. In the United States, 1-in-3 women will experience violence at the hands of an intimate partner.

At this time in our relationship, my boyfriend was not hitting me or threatening my life. He was exercising his ability to have power and control over me through manipulation, humiliation, isolation and intimidation. By now, he had very successfully isolated me from my friends and most of my family.

Typically, Domestic Violence doesn’t start with violence. I often tell individuals, if he had hit me on the first date, there would have never been a second one. The Department of Justice defines Domestic Violence as follows (https://www.justice.gov/ovw/domestic-violence):

Domestic violence is a pattern of abusive behavior in any relationship that is used by one partner to gain or maintain power and control over another intimate partner. Domestic violence can be physical, sexual, emotional, economic, psychological, or technological actions or threats of actions or other patterns of coercive behavior that influence another person within an intimate partner relationship. This includes any behaviors that intimidate, manipulate, humiliate, isolate, frighten, terrorize, coerce, threaten, blame, hurt, injure, or wound someone.

His form of manipulation started off as simple questions. He would ask me: ‘Where are you going?’ At first, I thought it was sweet. I perceived his questions as concern about me.

Then came: ‘I stopped by to see you, and you weren’t home. Where were you?’ My response was ‘I didn’t think we had plans. I was out.’ His response was ‘Okay. So where were you?’

This escalated to: Why do you go out with Sandie? I don’t like her. You should stop spending so much time with her.

This gradually led to him saying ‘My friend said he saw you at ABC restaurant. What were you doing there? Why didn’t I know you were going there? Who were you with?’

His questions were designed to let me know he had people watching me. His questions were accompanied by threats to leave me, which would be horrible since no one else could ever want me (according to him). There was name calling as well. First, I was too fat. So, I started eating healthier and lost significant weight. This was followed by “Who are you trying to lose weight for? Who is he!”

On a particular Friday, after receiving an unexpected bonus and the afternoon off, I went shopping. I bought my first expensive business suit and got a great hair cut for my new look. The hairdresser did a great job by taking off several inches of hair. I couldn’t wait to show off my new look to my boyfriend. He called me on Saturday to say he was coming over. He also asked me if I had been to ABC restaurant that Friday, where I had been seen by his friend.

This time, I pushed back and told him I had not been to any restaurants, and I didn’t know what his friend was talking about. I then did something bold. I asked him what else his spy said about me. He announced he was coming over to have this conversation in person. This didn’t concern me, as our relationship had not become physically violent at this time.

He arrived and I answered the door with a new super cute short hairstyle. I instantly said, “I don’t think your friend saw me or he would have said something about my hair.” This led to a screaming fight about how I could not be trusted. How dare I cut my hair without telling him first. I said something to the extent of, “if I can’t be trusted, maybe you should leave me.”

The following Monday while at work, I got a call from our receptionist that there was a package for me. I asked her to bring it upstairs to my office and she said I needed to personally sign for the delivery. This was not an out of the usual thing, so I asked her to send the delivery guy to my office.

Imagine my surprise when I saw a dozen long stem red American Beauty roses. I love red roses. I was speechless.

The delivery guy smiled and said “Someone must really love you. These are expensive. Please sign here.”  His words hit me like a ton of bricks.

I stood there dumbfounded and finally said, “Before I sign, let me make sure these are for me”. I opened the box and then read the card. Yep, they are from my boyfriend. This gift of roses was a representation of a phase within the Domestic Violence power and control cycle. Remember, Domestic Violence is not about violence but about getting and maintaining power and control over someone.

Today, we would say, he was love-bombing me. Back then, we called it the honeymoon phase of the DV cycle. This honeymoon phase comes after a blow up or the tension phase. It is used by the abuser to keep the survivor in the relationship. As a disclaimer: I truly dislike the word ‘victim’ which is why I always use the word ‘survivor’. Yes, something terrible happened to me but more importantly, I survived it and now I am thriving.

I looked at the delivery guy and said, “Can you do me a favor? I need to have these sent somewhere else. Can I pay you to re-direct this delivery?” He looked confused and finally said “Sure”. I said, “Great. Send them back to the sender. Here is his address. But first, let me fix them.”

Then I proceeded to cut off the bloom of each rose into the trash. When I finished, I put the last stem back into the box and gave the delivery guy $20 to send them back to my boyfriend. He chuckled and said, “Strangest delivery ever” and left.

My boyfriend just knew the roses would fix the problem and get me back inline. They didn’t. However, I must admit that this incident did not end our relationship. There would be more gifts and then an apology of “I’ll never do that again. Please forgive me.”  So, I stayed in the relationship.

For the next several years, he would not send me flowers on Valentine’s Day or at all. I finally asked why, and his reply was “Remember when you sent back the expensive roses I sent you?”  I instantly felt shame over what I had done in the past and nothing else was said. He was punishing me by sending the first set of roses and continuing to punish me by never sending roses again.

It took a long time and a lot of therapy for me to love getting flowers from anyone. Truth be told, sometimes red roses are still a trigger for me. I take a deep breath and then remember that I am safe. That the person who sent me the roses is doing so out of affection for me. I am happy to report that I have even expanded my love of red roses to sterling roses.

I tell you this story to say keep in mind that not every delivery of roses is a celebration of love and affection. I was so grateful that no one asked me about the roses at work. That I didn’t have to explain why I destroyed the roses or why I had sent them back to my boyfriend. I was already living in a nightmare and trying to explain it would have been too much for me at that point. Living with Domestic Violence is horrible and living through it can be exhausting.

So, as Valentine’s Day is fast approaching, please remember one thing. Sometimes, a rose isn’t a rose at all.

If you are living in or through or have survived Domestic Violence, there is nothing to be ashamed of. Help is available to you, and you can make it through the darkness. It doesn’t matter if you have been in this situation for 1 month or 7 years. I am living proof that you can make it into the light.

Contact your local shelter, 911 or your clergy. We are here to help and we are always working, 24/7. Trust me, my friends have gotten used to me walking away to take a call during dinner to assist a survivor.

If you would like to join Discernment Journey Ministries in this fight, there are ways to support our mission. Please visit our website at www.discernmentjourney.org, where we bring light into the darkness.

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Germaine Z. English is the Founder and CEO of Discernment Journey Ministries, Inc.

Discernment Journey Ministries is a non-profit organization whose mission is to: Empower and uplift women who are survivors of domestic violence, human and sex trafficking, and those transitioning from incarceration to freedom by providing a safe supportive space to heal, grow, and acquire life skills for independent living.

Ms. English started the organization as a survivor who volunteered for years with Domestic Violence shelters in Florida. Her goal is to change the way Domestic Violence shelters operate, and the scope of services provided to survivors. Ms. English is also a Florida Attorney with extensive knowledge of the Domestic Violence court system. She also possesses a master’s degree in business management, a bachelor’s degree in human resources, and years of experience working for large publicly traded and governmental organizations.