Every Dollar Counts: The Financial Aspect of Domestic Violence

By Germaine Z. English, Founder and CEO of Discernment Journey Ministries, Inc.

WARNING: This article includes descriptions of events that can be triggering for those who are survivors of Domestic Violence trauma.

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“I can’t leave him. How will I survive? I don’t even know how to buy a car or get an apartment. You know what? Never mind. Can I cancel my temporary restraining order?”

I sat quietly across from this survivor of Domestic Violence. I was in the middle of explaining the injunction process and how it would protect her. It was becoming very clear that she was changing her mind. At this point as an advocate for survivors of Domestic Violence, I had developed the ability to detect if an injunction would be granted. I could review a petition while considering the Judge and predict an outcome. I was sure that this woman would have her injunction granted. She and her two beautiful boys would be safer than ever before.

I wanted to scream, ‘You have made it this far! Just a little more to go and you can be free!’ We had already gone over all her options, including moving into the local shelter, which was at capacity. Instead of screaming at her, I quietly said, “Whatever you want to do is what we will do. I can have the Clerk of the Court cancel this injunction and stop the Sheriff from serving it on him. Is that what you want?” 

She looked up from the floor with a look of shame across her face and said softly “Yes”. I immediately picked up the phone and cancelled the order. She let out a sigh of relief. I asked her to save our local Domestic Violence contact number under a woman’s name, in case her husband goes through her phone.

She stood up and gathered her boys who had been quietly playing off to the side. She looked at me, as if for approval and I smiled to let her know that it was okay. She then said, “I have patients this afternoon, so we have to go”. I said “Not a problem. If you change your mind, you can always come back.”

In case you were wondering, you did read that correctly. This client said she had “patients”. This survivor was a medical doctor with a practice that was thriving. I believe she cancelled the injunction, in part, because she did not understand how to purchase a car or obtain an apartment. Her perceived financial reality due to her Domestic Violence circumstances completely overrode her actual reality. The reality that she is a successful business minded woman. She honestly believed she could not survive financially without her abuser.

Over my fifteen plus years of Domestic Violence work, several survivors have made an impact on my life, and this Doctor is one of the biggest.

As she walked away, I remember thinking I will never forget this encounter. 

The Cost of Leaving

When I tell people about this survivor, I often get questions.

• How could you let her go?

• Why didn’t you stop her?

• What do you mean? She’s a doctor; she can afford to leave.

I have answered those questions the same way over the years. Domestic Violence isn’t about truth or reality. Domestic Violence is about the abuser taking power and control over someone’s life. If I tell her what to do or try to stop her, I am executing my desires (power and control) over her life. In other words, I take the place of her abuser.

“Our job is to help survivors to regain power and control over their lives.”

This is the first thing I tell volunteers and staff. Translated, this statement forces us to allow survivors to make their own decisions without shame. Even if those decisions are not what we would want for them. Even if those decisions make us nervous about their safety and mental wellbeing. It is amazing how much regaining financial control is at the top of the list of things that survivors want.

Admittedly, the first time I considered leaving my abusive ex, finances did not play a role in my decision making. Up to this point in our dating life, we had been living separately. I saw myself as an independent woman!

I started working at the age of 16 and from that point oversaw my finances. My father taught me the basics every daughter needs to know. I learned how to change the car oil and a flat tire, so I could rescue myself. I learned how to play pool and poker, so no man could ever hustle me. I was set. Then life happened.

My roommate decided to move in with her boyfriend/future husband. That was when my abusive ex and I decided to live together. I had never lived with a man before outside of my brother and father. I took this gesture as a sign of his commitment and love for me. His willingness to live with me after 3 years of dating wasn’t about love, it was about controlling my daily life.

We found a cute one-bedroom apartment and moved in. One important aspect of this apartment was that I could not afford the rent by myself. Then my abusive ex began to complain about my lack of car and transportation to work. His solution was to help me buy a car. Of course, the car he insisted I buy was one that I could not afford by myself. Finally, he went crazy purchasing furniture for our new apartment, without my input. He then demanded that I pay for half of the new furniture.

Suddenly, I was in debt and financially stuck with someone who made more than twice my salary. Consequently, when I left him for the second time, I immediately went to the leasing office and moved into an apartment I could barely afford. I lived on ramen noodles and popcorn. My furniture was all secondhand donations from friends and family, which included a black and white TV. Even though I didn’t have much, what I did have was all mine and came with a side of peace.

Unfortunately, this was not the end of the story as I returned to the abusive relationship. This time my abusive ex made sure leaving would really hurt me financially. We moved into a two-bedroom apartment in the same complex insuring that I could not leave him financially. There was constant verbal berating about how he was financially supporting me and my needs. I had to ask for money for groceries. If I went out for lunch, there was always a conversation about where, how much did I spend and with whom. And when I came home to find the electricity turned off due to a lack of payment, he would mumble about how if he wasn’t supporting me, we would have electricity.

When I left for the final time, I remember thinking if I need to live in my car that is what I will do to save my life. This time in my life often reminds me of a story of a woman who left her abusive husband in Naples, Florida. When she announced she was leaving, he threatened her life. That did not deter her. He then threatened the dog. That did not deter her. He then took all her clothes including the ones on her back and burned them, leaving her naked in the living room. That did not deter her.

She walked out of the house, naked towards her freedom. Fortunately, she was picked up by a taxi driver who gave her the shirt off his back and took her to the closest Domestic Violence shelter. Which is why when my client, the Doctor, said what she said, I completely understood.

Financial stability in a domestic violence situation isn’t about money in the bank; it’s about the mental currency that fuels your freedom. 

Starting with Pennies

When I started putting together the plans for Discernment Journey Ministries, having a Domestic Violence Shelter was an easy decision. Of course, we will need to provide a safe place for these survivors to heal. At the same time, I felt like something was missing. The missing item was the Doctor survivor from my past.

Providing a shelter (Bev’s House: A Place to Call Home), for women to recover from the events of a Domestic Violence situation is a fabulous venture. What I soon realized was that the shelter is only half of the equation. To make a difference in the life of a survivor, a survivor also needs the ability to thrive and that comes only from having the mental currency to move towards freedom.

Hence, the birth of Brenda’s School: A Women’s Resource. We don’t want to limit what we do to only providing a safe place to recover from injuries (physical, mental or emotional). We want to help these women to thrive and experience healing on a deeper level.

After my abusive ex, I became uber sensitive about money especially when it came to men. I would often insist on paying for a date. And no, I don’t mean splitting the bill, I mean picking up the entire cost. I had to learn that when a man asks you out and wants to pay for the meal, it is okay. It is not so he will have a weapon to harm me. This concept took me 20 plus years to fully understand. I don’t think the men I have dated fully understood the struggle I experience in letting a man pay for dinner.

This trigger was just one issue that led to a discussion with our core staff about a school where we teach life skills. We consider life skills to be everything from balancing your checking account, finding an apartment, childcare, getting a job, and even buying a car. After coming up with this concept, I realized that we needed to expand beyond the usual encounters with survivors of Domestic Violence.

The Pennies Add Up

Around this time, I was introduced to Chrystul Kizer. This young lady was sexually trafficked as a teenager. In 2021, she was on trial in Wisconsin for the murder of her abuser which occurred when she was 17 years old. The state had enacted a self-defense law which her attorneys were attempting to invoke related to her being sex trafficked by her abuser.

Now, I’m not going to go into the legal aspect of this case. I mean, I am a lawyer and an advocate for survivors, so I could write pages. What got to me about this case is that Chrystul Kizer had to accept a plea deal to avoid a life sentence and received 11 years for her crime. Being sentenced around the age of 21 means she could be in jail until the age of 30 years old.

The world will be a completely different place when she is released. When I started thinking about the women I encountered who are survivors of Domestic Violence and in jail, I realized that they too would need life skills to thrive in society. That was when I expanded Brenda’s School to include women who have been released from incarceration.

Further research solidified the expansion of the mission of this project. As 1-in-3 women in the United States will experience domestic violence, the numbers related to those incarcerated are just as scary. Ten percent of the current total incarcerated population in the United States are women.

This population is growing faster than men.

Imagine what Chrystul’s life will look like after 11 years of incarceration. Brenda’s School will assist these women with life skills upon leaving the prison environment.

One of my hopes and dreams is to finally meet Chrystul Kizer upon her release. I want to be standing outside of the prison with a sign that says “We have been here supporting you and cheering for your future. Come and work with us. We have a job for you!”.

These pennies are why we do what we do. Why we are so passionate about our work. We know that the pennies add up; that every dollar counts. Which is why we campaign, educate, and fundraise like crazy. My board and my volunteers ask me why I work on weekends and nights? Why have I become a grant writing expert? Why do I return every call? Why do I meet with every potential donor even if I know their mission is not completely in line with ours?

My answer is the Doctor and Chrystul. These women count. They are doing what they can do to walk towards the light out of the darkness. It is not a perfect walk, and mistakes have been made along their journey. And the beauty of their story is that it is not over. They are and have been trying.

As long as there are survivors of Domestic Violence, Discernment Journey Ministries will continue to gather pennies and make them into dollars to support these survivors because we know that every dollar counts.

If you are living in or through or have survived Domestic Violence, there is nothing to be ashamed of. Help is available to you, and you can make it through the darkness. It doesn’t matter if you have been in this situation for 1 month or 7 years. I am living proof that you can make it into the light.

Contact your local shelter, 911 or your clergy. We are here to help and we are always working, 24/7. Trust me, my friends have gotten used to me walking away to take a call during dinner to assist a survivor.

If you would like to join Discernment Journey Ministries in this fight, there are ways to support our mission. Please visit our website at www.discernmentjourney.org, where we bring light into the darkness.

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Germaine Z. English is the Founder and CEO of Discernment Journey Ministries, Inc.

Discernment Journey Ministries is a non-profit organization whose mission is to: Empower and uplift women who are survivors of domestic violence, sex trafficking, and those transitioning from incarceration to freedom by providing a safe supportive space to heal, grow, and acquire life skills for independent living.

Ms. English started the organization as a survivor who volunteered for years with Domestic Violence shelters in Florida. Her goal is to change the way Domestic Violence shelters operate, and the scope of services provided to survivors. Ms. English is also a Florida Attorney with extensive knowledge of the Domestic Violence court system. She also possesses a master’s degree in business management, a bachelor’s degree in human resources, and years of experience working for large publicly traded and governmental organizations.