I Have Got You! - The Domestic Violence Therapy Journey

By Germaine Z. English, CEO and Founder of Discernment Journey Ministries, Inc.

WARNING: This article includes descriptions of events that can be triggering for those who are survivors of Domestic Violence trauma.

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She came running through the office doors, soaking wet and out of breath. “Are you Germaine?” Not waiting for an answer, she ran into an office space while saying “Give me just a minute and I’ll be with you.”

Two minutes later, a slightly dryer version of Alma returned and said, “Please come on in”. I got up and moved into the office as she gestured. “I’m so sorry for being late. Downtown was flooded due to the rain, and it took forever for me to find a way here. Did you fill out the paperwork I sent you?” I smiled and nodded my head as I handed her the paperwork already filled out along with my insurance card. “Great, so let’s get started. What brings you here to see me?”

I think this may have been the moment when she realized I had yet to speak. I just sat there looking at her. She sat there, as well, with a gentle face waiting on me. I tried to summon the words. On the inside, I was screaming, laughing, crying, and thrashing about. On the outside, nothing. No tears, not a grunt, not a moan of despair. Just silence.

“Germaine, have you ever been to therapy before?” I nodded yes, which told her I knew it was my turn to talk. So, Alma waited. We sat in silence for over 50 minutes.

At the end of session 1, she said softly, “Do you want another session?” I nodded. “Same day and time next week?” I nodded. And so continued my 10 years of therapy. However, this part of the journey would be different. This part of my journey would forever change my life.

When I left my abusive ex, it was not for my own protection. I didn’t consider leaving until a stranger looked directly at me and said, “I’m afraid for your life”. This was Therapist #1 and her words shook me. She was before Alma and unfortunately, I don’t remember her name. That does not change the fact that she saved my life.

Her words hit me like a ton of bricks. This session was the first after a horrible physical fight where my abusive ex left me with a black eye, swollen lip and bruises across my chest. I thought I had hidden my injuries with enough makeup, but she saw through me. The irony is that this was supposed to be my abusive ex and I’s first meeting with our new couple’s counselor.

After our horrible fight, I considered canceling the session. The only reason I kept the appointment was I didn’t want to lose her. I just knew that my abusive ex and I would get back together. That was our status quo, our modus operandi. So, to be proactive, I wanted to keep this couple’s counselor. I mean, of course, I knew we would need counseling after that fight. Little did I know that would all change within the first 10 minutes of my visit as she announced she was afraid he would kill me.

Anger is a Real Stage!

After leaving my abusive ex, I started my therapy journey. I remember going to a session with Therapist #1 where she talked about my anger. The actual word she used was rage. I told her that I don’t have rage. Anger yes but there was no way I had rage.

I defined rage as an uncontrollable blinding anger towards an individual. I could never be rageful.

She encouraged me to attend a women’s group of individuals who had been cheated on or abused by their partners. Begrudgingly, I went. As I sat there, I judged these women. I thought these women should not be let loose on society with all the rage they expressed.

Then one of them said quietly the silent part out loud, “I’m so angry”. Before I knew it, I replied with “I know.” I then describe a fantasy incident involving my ex and a car. The room went completely silent and that was when I realized I was talking out loud. I looked up and everyone in the group was looking at me with this horror look. That was the moment I realized I had rage towards my abusive ex.

This revelation was the spark that began my therapy journey to disable my rage and the triggers that came along with the emotion. I was in therapy for about a year going twice a month. After a year, I announced to Therapist #1 that I felt we were done. She wished me the best and told me if I needed her, she would be there.

I never went back to see her. Not because she was a terrible therapist. In fact, just the opposite was true. She was a great therapist. She let the patient control the journey. Unfortunately, that patient was me and I thought I must be healed. Especially since I was in a new relationship with someone else and did not go back to my abusive ex.

Cue the Denial

I was healed because I was in a new relationship. Just writing those words now makes me chuckle. It’s like saying, I no longer need heart surgery because I drove passed a hospital today. Getting into a new relationship doesn’t heal you. Doing the work heals you. Unfortunately for me, I was not healed enough to know that. I suspect that Therapist #1 just knew I would be back.

Instead, I blew up my life. I got involved with someone I had no business getting involved with. We started to go to couples counseling within the first year of our relationship. This would be Therapist #2, Marie.

I thought I could ward off any problems with proactive couple’s therapy.

There’s that chuckle again. And here is a big thing to point out about this time in my life. I started to gain weight. Not 5 or 10 pounds. I put on 75 pounds. Then I convinced my new partner to sell the house and move across the country with no job, almost no money with overweight Germaine and our dog.

One of our last sessions with Marie (Therapist #2 – The Couple’s Counselor) was one where she wanted to see us separately. I later found out that she asked us both the same question. “Should you two be together?” This was when I finally found out I was in sync with someone. We both had the same answer. “NO!” Cue the moving boxes and here we go across the country with no support system, no family or friends, no jobs and no therapist.

Attack the Panic Attack

This is where Alma joins the therapy journey train. She is Therapist #3. It was becoming quite apparent that I was not healed. After gaining all that weight, my body began to fail me in my 30’s. In addition to unexplained aches and pains, I would have terrible panic attacks on the way to work.

My partner would have to ride the city bus with me to make sure I got off at my stop and went inside the building. There were days when the 2-mile journey to the office was just too much. I was paralyzed by men, and the crowded bus was always filled with them. Fortunately, once I was in the building, I felt safe.  I was well into my career in Human Resources, and my office suite was filled with women.

When it got to the point that I could no longer go outside to walk the dog out of fear, I suggested that maybe I needed to go back to therapy. The irony is that I started seeing Alma due to “family trauma” or so I thought. Even with going, twice a week (every Tuesday and Thursday), it would take two more years before I mentioned my abusive ex.

Once we started unpacking that full set of emotional luggage I had dragged across the country, I started to notice something. I started feeling better. I decided that I wanted to advance my career and go to law school. I was able to take business trips and not have panic attacks. I started exercising and lost 65 pounds. And more importantly, it was becoming very apparent that my current partner and I were not a good fit at all. I was using this partner as an escape to get away from my previous abusive relationship.

In hindsight, a healed person would have ended the relationship, figured out visitation rights for the dog and moved on. So, yep, I didn’t do that. Instead, I dug in my heels under the guise of “I will make this work”. Ironically, that kind of thinking is what, in part, kept me in the abusive relationship in the first place.

The Never-Ending Journey?

Eventually, the relationship came to an end when my partner was brave enough to end it. I cried and tried to put it back together. Fortunately, they said no and moved on. For this I am eternally grateful. Cue Therapist #4 and Therapist #5. Why are there two new therapists? Well before our relationship could end, my mother would pass away, and I would be the reason we would move across the country again.

Therapist #5 was the one after the breakup. She kept me on the straight and narrow toward a healthy and happy Germaine.

Here are two things I didn’t know could exist together, happiness and healthiness. 

What I loved the most about Therapist #5 is that I realized therapy is a never-ending journey. Since the beginning of my therapy journey, I graduated with three different degrees, wrote a book, and started this non-profit.

Years after ending my sessions with Therapist #5, I found myself in a high-level position with an organization. One day, after a heated debate with a male counterpart, I had a huge panic attack. I mean unable to speak, hands spasm, crying uncontrollably panic attack.

My poor Administrative Assistant didn’t know what to do, so she ran and got my work bestie. She came over and sat quietly in my office until I was able to speak. She then drove me home and picked me up the next day. Months later, we would talk about what happened and why and she told me she completely understood.

That was when I realized, you never stop doing therapy work. The work changes from removing triggers to how to spot them and disarm their effect. Recently, just before the pandemic, I had the opportunity to travel back across the country and revisit Alma. She remembered me and I was grateful that she agreed to see me for a few months. At this time, I really felt like I needed to be back in therapy. That was when she revealed my therapy secret to me. I had been in therapy from the very moment I agreed to continue to see Therapist #1. 

For years, I believe that without my therapists I wouldn’t have healed. It is very true that they were God sent guides on my road of healing. What I didn’t realize is that the person who really had my back was me.

I was the one going back. I was the one who initiated the therapy sessions. And now, I am the one who can recognize a trigger and know what I need to do to disarm it.

Each therapist gave me tools for me to use.

And now I know the most important part of that previous sentence is “for me to use”. I am the one doing the work and without me, there is no healing.  This realization really changed my understanding of the phrase “I have got you!”

I am so glad to know that the “I” in that sentence is me and I always have my back!

If you are living in or through or have survived Domestic Violence, there is nothing to be ashamed of. Help is available to you, and you can make it through the darkness. It doesn’t matter if you have been in this situation for 1 month or 7 years. I am living proof that you can make it into the light.

Contact your local shelter, 911 or your clergy. We are here to help and we are always working, 24/7. Trust me, my friends have gotten used to me walking away to take a call during dinner to assist a survivor.

If you would like to join Discernment Journey Ministries in this fight, there are ways to support our mission. Please visit our website at www.discernmentjourney.org, where we bring light into the darkness.

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Germaine Z. English is the Founder and CEO of Discernment Journey Ministries, Inc.

Discernment Journey Ministries is a non-profit organization whose mission is to: Empower and uplift women who are survivors of domestic violence, human and sex trafficking, and those transitioning from incarceration to freedom by providing a safe supportive space to heal, grow, and acquire life skills for independent living.

Ms. English started the organization as a survivor who volunteered for years with Domestic Violence shelters in Florida. Her goal is to change the way Domestic Violence shelters operate, and the scope of services provided to survivors. Ms. English is also a Florida Attorney with extensive knowledge of the Domestic Violence court system. She also possesses a master’s degree in business management, a bachelor’s degree in human resources, and years of experience working for large publicly traded and governmental organizations.