Alone Together: The Isolation of Domestic Violence

By Germaine Z. English, Founder and CEO of Discernment Journey Ministries, Inc.

WARNING: This article includes descriptions of events of my life and can be triggering for those who are survivors of Domestic Violence trauma. Names have been changed to protect the identities of others involved.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

I have an admission to make. I am a self-proclaimed social butterfly. Some would say I am an extrovert. However, I am not sure the definition of extrovert suits me; so, I refer to myself as a social butterfly. Truth be told, I once was an extrovert. However, if I had to pick between the two terms, I would refer to myself as an introvert with extrovert capabilities.

For example, the introvert in me says, if you need space that works for me. We can pick up 4 years from now and continue exactly from where we left off.  As an extrovert, if you need actual face time, that works for me as well. I could use some time outside of my regular pattern, just don’t expect me to show up to every happy hour.

One is the loneliest

The night my ex-beat me and threatened my life, I believed that I had only one friend I could call. Only one. Not because I was unlikable or because I did not have lots of friends. In fact, if I were to tell you exactly when this happened, there would be quite a few people who would disagree with the “I only had one friend” statement. They would tell you that we were friends at that time and that we were close.

Truth be told, I had more than just the one friend that I could have called. Although I could have called numerous people, I called the one I knew would completely understand and provide refuge. The one with previous similar experiences. So, I called Sandie.

The only thing I remember being able to say once she picked up the call was “He hit me”. 

She immediately said, “Can you leave the apartment?” Her question was more than a question of whether I was safe. Sandie and I met in nursing school, and her question was her way of assessing the situation medically. She was checking on my ability to physically leave the apartment under my own strength or if I needed an ambulance. I mumbled a quiet “yes” and she told me to go to the closest hotel where I could feel safe and she would meet me there.

This was around 11pm on a Wednesday evening. I grabbed my purse, walked through the wreckage of broken furniture and shattered glass in the living room and went to the closest Marriott Courtyard. Sandie joined me around 45 minutes later and she stayed by my side until the morning.

We didn’t talk much. She didn’t ask what happened. The only thing she did ask was “Do you need anything?” Again, another medical check question. She was also assessing whether I had a concussion. After seeing my black eye the next morning, I understood why she was asking. I said yes and that I needed a change of clothes and my makeup so I can go to work in the morning. My very brave friend got up and went to my apartment to get the things I needed. She also returned with chocolate, an ice pack, and Tylenol as my face was now swelling.

We didn’t talk about her interaction with my ex when she got to the apartment. In fact, we have never spoken about it. She returned to the hotel room, and I rested for the first time in years.

The Great Disappearing Act

Domestic Violence is not just about violence. It is about gaining and maintaining power and control over someone. Not temporary power and control, it is about having absolute power and control over all aspects of someone’s life. Often an abuser will escalate their attempts to gain that power and control by using violence. And here is the interesting thing, Domestic Violence rarely starts with physical violence.

The Domestic Abuse Intervention Project has published a power and control wheel that explains the different stages of Domestic Violence.

As part of the power and control wheel, isolation is a huge part.

The wheel describes how the abuser uses isolation to gain and maintain power and control. Here are a few examples of isolation:

• Controlling what she does;

• Who she sees and talks to;

• What she reads;

• Where she goes;

• Limiting her outside involvement; and

• Using jealousy to justify his actions.

The thing about Domestic Violence is that it does not happen all at once. It is gradual and happens over time. I have often said, ‘If my ex hit me on the first date, there never would have been a second one.’ In fact, he didn’t hit me until seven years into the relationship.

However, the isolation started much earlier than the moment he physically threatened my life. He very systematically removed regular contact with people who were important to me and replaced those individuals with himself. He wanted me to be completely dependent on him so I could never leave.

The first group of people he isolated me from was my family. Now, I know this sounds like a very hard thing to do but it wasn’t for my ex. He simply said to me that “we are building our own family unit” and hinted about spending the rest of our lives together. He then doubled down by agreeing to live together, which separated me from the sister I was living with at the time. Then he told me how much he did not like her husband, my brother-in-law, who was taller, bigger, and stronger than him. His dislike of my brother-in-law was the reason we stopped visiting my sister.

As a replacement, we would go and visit his mother who was very openly hostile towards me. She did not like me dating her only son and made her feelings known. This was the place where we would spend every holiday event for the next seven years.

Then came the financial pressure associated with going to visit my parents. They lived in a different state and according to him we could not afford those types of out-of-town trips. He made more money than me and asking my family for money would be an afront to his manhood. This isolation included visiting my eldest sister and my younger brother who both lived out of town. My siblings were replaced with his extended family in Memphis, a five-hour drive away.

We would go to Memphis for all kinds of events including the ones as insignificant as his cousins having a barbeque. As a passenger on these trips, I would have to contribute gas money and was forced to sleep wherever he told me. If that meant sleeping at his grandmother’s house in the country while he spent the night at his cousin’s downtown apartment; that is what I did. I was not allowed to have a cellphone due to the cost, so I would be stranded wherever he left me until his return.

Next on the list was isolation from my girlfriends. All of my female friends who were married or in a serious relationship were now off limits. Most were in healthy relationships and would have been more likely to tell me what they thought. My ex had met these women and knew this, so I was not to associate with them. He did this by disparaging their characters and telling me how he did not like their boyfriends / husbands.  He finally asked me why I prefer to spend time with them instead of him. He even went as far as to cry to make sure I felt ultimate guilt for disserting him for my friends.

My friends were replaced with women he could trust. I was only allowed to be friends with the women who were dating his friends. The male friends of my ex established a horrible code of silence amongst us women. The women were not allowed to talk about what the men did in our presence.

For example, I have entertained many mistresses of his friends. The first time it happened, I remember going to bed that night saying to my ex, “I can’t believe that Ken brought another woman into our home”.

His response was “And you will not say a word about this to his girlfriend. Understand?” And that was the last time that was spoken about. 

Where in the world is Germaine?

Years into the relationship, I discovered that I had very few people in my life that I could talk to about how my ex was treating me. Out of all the people in my life, Sandie refused to let my ex remove her. She would call me even when I would not call her back. She would share celebrations of her life even when I would not say congratulations. So, when she and her fiancé broke up, she left me several voicemails crying and letting me know how heartbroken she was. I finally picked up one of her calls and I was able to console my oldest friend. We vowed to never let a relationship come between us and we continued our friendship in secret.

It wasn’t until after that horrible night, when I escaped with my life, that I realized there was one more isolation that my ex had managed to pull off. He separated me from me. I remember sitting in therapy talking about what was going on with me and watching my therapist making the strangest faces.

I now know why she was making strange faces. The Germaine, I was physically presenting to her, was not at all like the one I was emotionally describing to her.

The girl I was describing was:

• Unsure of herself with no confidence;

• Low Self-Worth;

• Afraid to try to survive on her own; and

• Educated but had stopped reading or enjoying any other hobbies.

The woman I was presenting, who normally came to therapy straight from work was a:

• Self-starter and loved a challenging project;

• Leader and collaborator;

• Believe in the mantra of ‘if you can conceive it, you can achieve’ it regardless of the roadblocks or impossibility; and

• Fighter for everything that was right, ethical and fair, especially for women’s rights.

My ex had managed to isolate Germaine from Germaine.  And his replacement was a scared girl with no direction or understanding of her power. 

This is why, here at Discernment Journey Ministries, we believe strongly in supporting our clients in regaining their power and control over their lives. I remember very early on in therapy, my therapist suggested that I write myself a letter. This letter was to include all that had happened and why leaving my ex will save my life. I immediately went home and wrote the letter, mostly because it felt like a homework assignment.

During the next session, I asked her if she wanted to read the letter. She said no, the letter was for me. I looked at her with so much confusion. She told me that she wanted me to have a real picture of the relationship while it was fresh in my mind. She also suggested that I keep the letter next to the phone, so that the moment I felt the urge to call him, I could read the letter.

I went home and followed the instructions. I placed the letter next to the phone, even though I thought there was no way I would ever go back. Regardless of what I thought, I placed that letter neatly folded next to my phone.

Within six months, the letter was no longer neatly folded because I had read it more than once. The ink was beginning to fade and the pages were worn. Most importantly, the letter had done exactly what it was designed to do. It told me the truth about a situation where someone else had power and control over all of me. The letter gave me back power and control over my desires including the ones that came at 3am when I felt my lowest. This letter allowed me to see the truth from my perspective and to respect that truth as my truth.

I recently had a chance to speak with someone about Discernment Journey Ministries. When individuals asked about Domestic Violence in the US, I quote the statistics and explain that the numbers can be hard to believe. I said to this person that I understand that the numbers of survivors of Domestic Violence are staggering (1-in-3 in the US). And I then gave her an example.

As I was talking to her, one of her employees was standing there. I said to this person, there are three of us standing here. She nodded and then I said, “And I am a survivor of Domestic Violence.” She looked at me, dressed in a business suit, picking up copies of my business plan from her company. I said it again, “Yes, I am a survivor of Domestic Violence.”

What I did not say was that no matter what you think about the statistics, “I am still the 1”.

When I encounter someone who wants to discount the statistics, it’s normally because they have a relationship of some sort with Domestic Violence. Which is why I never say, “I am still the 1”. We all have our own truth, and the truth can heal you or hurt you. I have had conversations with individuals, female and male, and have had to watch individuals as they realize what they experienced was Domestic Violence.

This is why my team and I work so hard to stay in touch with trauma healing. We talk, cry, pray, train and stay self-aware so that we can be the best advocates for our clients. We follow up with clients at a respectable pace. We take every call, even those that come from opposition to what we are doing. It can be tiresome. Regardless of what we feel, we will always take the call. You never know when that one call will have a forever change in someone’s life. That is why we do what we do. Which is why we honor my friend. Sandie helped me to save my own life and finding Germaine is the greatest thing I have ever done.

 ----------------------------------------------------------------

If you are living in or through or have survived Domestic Violence, there is nothing to be ashamed of. Help is available to you, and you can make it through the darkness. It doesn’t matter if you have been in this situation for 1 month or 7 years. I am living proof that you can make it into the light.

Contact your local shelter, 911 or your clergy. We are here to help and we are always working, 24/7. Trust me, my friends have gotten used to me walking away to take a call during dinner to assist a survivor.

If you would like to join Discernment Journey Ministries in this fight, there are ways to support our mission. Please visit our website at www.discernmentjourney.org, where we bring light into the darkness.

 ------------------------------------------

Germaine Z. English is the Founder and CEO of Discernment Journey Ministries, Inc.

Discernment Journey Ministries is a non-profit organization whose mission is to: Empower and uplift women who are survivors of domestic violence, human and sex trafficking, and those transitioning from incarceration to freedom by providing a safe supportive space to heal, grow, and acquire life skills for independent living.

Ms. English started the organization as a survivor who volunteered for years with Domestic Violence shelters in Florida. Her goal is to change the way Domestic Violence shelters operate, and the scope of services provided to survivors. Ms. English is also a Florida Attorney with extensive knowledge of the Domestic Violence court system. She also possesses a master’s degree in business management, a bachelor’s degree in human resources, and years of experience working for large publicly traded and governmental organizations.